Lmao

A Denver Broncos' fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

lol

What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead , I'll stay round here!!

*points to neck* haha

LOL, LMAO STE!

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shi ts all over the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

lol

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

A no-good husband had been laying out, drinking and chasing women, then came home about 3am. Knowing he would be in BIG trouble, he came up with a plan.....

He'd sneak into the bedroom and perform oral s ex on the wife. That always made her happy.

Sure enough, he snuck into the dark bedroom, slipped quietly over to the bed and did the oral
s ex. She sleepily moaned and groaned, so he knew everything was ok.

Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he flipped on the light, to his astonishment, he saw his wife sitting on the toilet!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" He yells!

"Shhhh", she whispered..."you'll wake Mother!"

OMFG!!!!!! PMSL

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - Condoms and Dramamine - for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man went in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.

The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked him, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

Ewwww thats mingin stella!!

lmao tricky

Dad," asked son, "What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma?"


Dad replied ''That's Grandpa!"

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LMF (_x_) OFF!!!!

Great jokes....

gurrrd jokes!!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married."

The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says " GOOD.... Get your own fcuking blanket."