A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

HAHA

PMFSL!!WOOOOOOOOOOO Stella!!!!

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

hahahaha love it!

Q. What's the definition of a fart?

A. A turd honking for the right-of-way.

What do you have when you have one green ball in your right hand and one green ball in your left hand?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

What's the speed limit of sex?

68; at 69 you have to turn around.

I knew that one!!!!!LMAO!

PMSL

Definition of a Shin:

A device for finding furniture in the dark.

A couple had been married for six years, and their sex life had bcome a little repetitive.
The husband suggested that they spice things up by trying a new sexual position he had heard about, called 'the wheelbarrow'.
'How does it work ?' asked the wife.
'Well', replied the husband, 'you get on all fours and then I stand behind you and lift your legs up to my waist, like a wheelbarrow'.
The wife thought about it for a little while before replying that she would give it a try on two conditions.
'Okay' said the husband 'what's the first condition ?'
'Well', replied the wife 'You have to promise that we'll stop right away if it's painful'.
This seemed reasonable so the husband agreed and enquired as to the second condition.
'Well', said the wife 'you have to promise not to go past my mothers house'.

Whats blue and screws old people?
Hypothermia

Lmfao!!!!!

Entry in young womans diary:

Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!

HAHAHA

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"