LMFAO!

And another Jimmy Carr one:

I hate what the Germans did to my Grandad during the war.....................passed him for promotion so many times the bast........

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I?ve got a special game for you. I?ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint?my?house."

i love this one !

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in crap up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with crap up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with crap up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

har har!

Did you hear about the chinese couple who just had an albino baby?.... just goes to show two wongs do make a wight

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I?m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

lmao

LMAO @ that

A Man reading his newspaper, when his wife came up and slapped him across his head, He said "what was that for".
She replied "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name "Mary Ellen" written on it...!
He said, quick as a flash "That is a name of a racehorse".
She accepts this excuse.
A week later he is sitting there when his wife hits him over the head with a frying pan.
He said "WTF was that for"
She said " Your bloody horse phoned"

haha

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, & tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow & the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles,& starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickels."
Dom

lmao

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Two Silkworms have a race ? it ended up a tie!










Why don't old ladies have brazilians?

Don't know, it's a bit of a grey area!


~Domi~

eeeew lol

LOL Stel.


Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

~Domi~

What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common?

Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking,
and then next thing you know your house is gone!

there both a disaster waiting to happen.

Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You don?t know man, you weren?t there!
Q: One!
A: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many James Bond fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it, and ten to complain that the original was better!
Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way!
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: One, because it just bloody does, all right!
Q: How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but there will have to be a real twist at the end.
Q: How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say, "My four-year old could do that."
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub.

~Domi~

Question:- What is the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

Answer:- The pr1cks are on the outside of a porcupine.


~Domi~

OMFG LMAO SEE! the silly ones make me laff

all gud jokes

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

I loved this one!