bin arrested by police! Was in car, dying for a p1ss so did it in a can. police stopped and asked what was in the can. now being done for possession of canop1ss.

lol

Edited at 23:58 Sun 25/03/07 (BST)

a woman slips naked in her bathroom does the split & gets suctioned to the floor by her f***y.
her husband tries but carn't budge her so calls his mate who say's ' i'll go get a hammer, we can break the tiles and lift her' the husband says ' OK, i'll lick her ear and play with her t1ts whilst your gone'.
why?. says his mate. the husband replies 'if i can get her wet maybe we can try slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are f****ng cheaper!.

Ya gotta love it

LMFAOOO Thats THE ONE I laffed my head of at LMAO

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

To be continued....

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

.....

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


Thought that might help some of you, no names meantioned *coughCLOONEMANcough*

~Domi~

"Your singing sounds distorted." So that's why it sounded so bad! Not enough alcohol! Thanks Domi!

HAHA no worries, the least I could do for the human race

The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry


Race continues.....pmsl

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson
in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and
wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was:
> "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest,
> but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds"?
> A) the condor;
> B) the buzzard;
> C) the cuckoo; or
> D) the vulture?"
> The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew that would be home happened to be a blonde.
> But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
cont......

> her the question and the four choices.
> The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
> The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical to do. On the other hand --the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
> "I need an answer," said Meredith.
> Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
> "Is that your final answer?" asked Meredith.
> "Yes, that is my final answer."
> Two seconds later, Meredith said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is......absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
> A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. cont

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
> "Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."


Jesus, it didn't look that long in the email!

I like.........

Darn. I was rooting for teh blonde to actually be smart and put to rest all those stereotypic people's notions.

LMFAO! at horse race

You a blonde, Katie?

Yep.

Cool...... an intelligent blonde! I LIKE!!!!!