Q: Where does a 10-ton gorilla sleep?
A: Anywhere it wants!

This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel good in her mouth.

This fella goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a rash round my dik, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said "put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put a different cream on. The man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"

PMSL

A frog goes into a bank and approaches an assistant. Her nameplate says she is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £9,000 loan for a holiday." Patty looks at him in disbelief & asks his name. The frog says "Kermit Jagger. My dad is Mick Jagger & I know the bank manager."

Patty explains that he'll need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says "Sure,I have this." Producing a tiny porcelain cat, an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Confused, Patty explains she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you & wants to borrow £9,000, he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(A masterpiece, Wait for it)

The bank manager looks at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." *giggles*

Good one sandi lmao

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
"Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die,
they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off
quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into
the kitchen.
"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"
What do you mean? says his mother.
Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling
"God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy

-My wife's gone to the Indian coast
-Goa?
-Phwoar! I'll say!

-My mother-in-law has gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.

-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, We've been married for 20 years.

-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa? -No.
-She broke her leg.

-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.

-My daughter's gone to the botanical gardens.
-Kew?
-Yes, it was rather busy.

And the All time classic........

My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.

MONDAY
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAY:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"

WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAY:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"


FRIDAY:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"

... tut tut terrible

following a hard day in court, a judge decides to go to the pub. Nine hours later, he staggers out of the pub and starts to walk home. Unfortunately on his way he feels sick and he throws up all over his suit. Arriving home, he uses his fine legal mind to explain the mess to his wife. "Some filthy tramp vomited all over me" he moans, and his sympathetic wife makes him a nice cup of tea. The next day the judge comes home and decides to make his story more convincing. "You?ll never guess what? he says to his wife, "The tramp that threw up on me was in court today. I gave him six months!" she replies, "You should have given him a year, because he shat in your pants aswell."

Pmsl...I like that one!!

Oh how i laffed at this.....

Three men are sat around the camp fire, knocking back a few whiskeys and chewing the fat. The conversation soon turned to their animals as all the men owned dogs. The first man said "My dog is called Woodworker. I'll show you why I chose the name. Go, Woodworker!" and with that the dog grabbed a log from the fire and began chewing it. Within minutes the dog had chewed out a beautiful figurine.
Not to be outdone, the second man said "Well, my dog is called Stoneworker, watch this." With that he instructed the dog who promptly fetched a rock over and began gnawing away at it. Within minutes the dog and carved out a beautiful stone figurine.
The third man smiled and said "Well my dog's called Ironworker". He put the poker into the fire and waited until the tip was glowing red hot. "Now" he continued, "all I have to do is touch his balls with this and you watch him make a bolt for the door!"

omg pmsl!!!!

Skinny white man goes into lift and looks at huge coloured guy,who says before you ask,7ft tall,350lbs,20 inch erm,and my balls weigh 3lb each,Turner Brown,White guy faints,when he comes to he asks the colour man to say that again.Coloured man repeats his stats and says my names Turner Brown,thank erm for that,I thought you said Turn Around

LMAO - 3 lb balls jeeesus, he must carry em around in a wheelbarrow.

rofl

A Fat bloke goes to the doctor and asks....

"Doctor Doctor, have you got anything to keep my stomach in?"

"Here you are" says the doctor,
"have this wheel barrow"

It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?"
"What's that?" she replies.
Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear."