A priest visits a man who is grieving over the death of his aged Father. "i'm so sorry to hear of your loss" says the priest. "did you try taking him to Lourdes as i suggested? Yes, we did replies the man. "But we'd only been there a few minutes when he passed away." Was it his heart? asks the Priest. "No Father, replies the man. "He got hit on the head by a cricket ball".

A woman is complaining to her friend about the amount of housework she has to do. "I spend all day at the office then come home and wash the clothes and dishes. And every weekend I have to wash the kitchen floor and all the windows. "But what about your husband? asks her friend. I make him wash himself, says the woman.

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

PMFSL @ THAT LAST ONE!

"I went to the doctors the other day and I said "have you got anything for wind",
so he gave me a kite."

This bloke said to me, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

LMAO I F'ing love them short ones HAHAHAHAHHA

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

OH LMFAO........

I went to the Paper Shop yesterday, but it had blown away !

Edited at 05:44 Fri 5/01/07 (GMT)

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

lmao nice!!

Pmsl indeed they are dave

Lovin that one!!

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Ha Ha Ha