A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

LMAO..think u had that one b4 tho hun

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.

I Luv that! But u have DEFO done that one b4 too

What do you call a man with two left feet ?
Whatever you like - if he tries to catch you he'll just run round in circles !

lol where do u get thm all from?

I havn't saw him for ages




Who?






Invisable man

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know".

The lady then asked again, "Are they both boys or girls or either of each?"

The man looked angrier still and replied, "I don't know!"

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"

LMAOOO!!!!!!!

John was waiting to cross the street when a blind man approached with his guide-dog. The traffic sign turned green and instead of helping its master to cross, the dog raised its rear leg and peed on the shoes of the blind man.

Observing that, the blind man reached into his pocket and offered the dog a cookie.

John told the blind man in amazement, "If it is my dog I'd have kicked its butt!". The blind man calmly replied, "I'm going to. But I need to find its head first".

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a g ay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, ?I don't care if I die, I need a drink.? The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile, the smoker and the g ay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The g ay guy looks over and says, ?If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.?

Lmao...i SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO needed a laff Stell

glad to be of service young lady

Thanks....

you'll love this one.....

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, ?What grows to 10 times its original size when excited??

Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, ?I know! The pupil of the eye.? The teacher replied, ?Yes, very good Jimmy.?

The the teacher turned to Jane and said, ?Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!?

PMFSL! yay i can count on you to make me laff

Even that has made me laff hahahahhahhahaha

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

Pmsl i love them ones!!