(1st bit on other page) I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Edited at 17:04 Tue 19/09/06 (BST)

Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."

OH LMFAO!!!!

Bob says to his mate......"Hey Jeff ive just seen a gorgeous woman wearing a greyhound".

Jeff says "what the hell is a greyhound" ?

Bob say's "It's a very short skirt, that's only an inch from the hare"

LMAO 1 EYE

GOOD ONE STELLA TOO

Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill's backyard. They suddenly materialize inside the couple's house and address them: ''We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners."
Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesistation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tenticle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie weenie."

Edited at 16:45 Wed 20/09/06 (BST)

''Actually, I come in all sizes."
With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his pen/is pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?"
"No problemo," assurres the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.
After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.

Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?''
Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy shi/t-eating grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?"
"Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

PMSL!

Have you heard about the Irish Humpty Dumpty??

The wall fell on him !!

LMFAO!

LOOOOL

PMSL!!!!!

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

PMSL .....

How many ears did Wyatt Earp have?

3. His left ear. His right ear. And of course, the wild front ear.

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.
The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''
The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''
The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.
''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''

ROFL, great one ruddan. I dont know where u and Stella get them from