A Bloke comes home with a half gallon tub of Ice Cream. He asked his girl if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asked.

"About as hard as my dik," he replies.

To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"

LOVE IT LMAO

A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"

best not... will be gettin slapped as s off nick if he sees it

Edited at 02:24 Fri 30/03/07 (BST)

A woman who is standing nude, looking at herself in the mirror, says to her husband " I look horrible, fat and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"

Husband replies " Your eyesight is fckin spot on"!!

Ive heard that one but lmao

Why can't Frankenstein have children?

Because his nuts are on his neck.

lmao stell

PMSL

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just
tell them straight out that they're going to die."

FFS LMAO

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

LOL! Very good.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work

hahahhaha

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

PMSL

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

LMFAO!!!!!!