Jokes are fun jokes are great
Some you love some you hate
Can be dark or can be light
Can be about current events, or random shhhh
Make you laugh or make you cringe
Make people be angry and whinge
Cos some people are daft
And dont appreciate the jokes cunning craft
Clocks

clocks say the time,
but won't tell me for what,
i need some guidance,
my mind's in a knot,
pains in my heart,
turmoil in my brain,
my thoughts are causing me,
so much bloody pain.
come tell me what time,
it is for me now,
decisions and answers,
workin on my brow,
to find where i'm goin,
the path for my life,
am sure i will get there.......once i'm past all this strife.

Banging
These really strong winds have kept me awake,
It whistles and howls and makes my house shake,
The deafening noise of gates and doors banging,
From the roofs the tiles are hanging,
Roads are blocked by trees that fell,
Traveling to work must have been hell,
I'll tell you this - it's truely a bummer,
To have weather like this, 2 weeks from Summer!


Beach

Edited at 02:19 Tue 24/05/11 (BST)

The beach is made of sand
Where you usually go if the weather is grand
Build castles and have fun
Bask in the glorious sun
Go waste money in the amusement park
Try not get bitten by a shark
Have fish chips and mushy peas
Stroll down the beach, while theres no breeze


Barack Obama

Obama is number one in the States,
His name is right up there as one of the greats.
He listens, understands and does never tease,
Although Red Necks from the South will surely disagree.
They dislike him and refuse to follow him because of his colour,
USA's a big place they need to look after one another.
Obama is a role model and an icon in my eyes,
I'm no Mother Teresa but it's the Trailer Trash I despise.

[b][u]Rockers[/b][/u]

english folk i think are daft,
they've really lost the plot,
i think there's summit lackin there,
i just can't hit the spot.

they love the sound of their own voice,
they're awful funny talkers,
and this is why my funky friends........
i think they're off their Rockers!



Americans

I know it's stereotypical but American's are big and fat,
Stop giving chunky fries with that!
They invented Halloween and Fast Food,
They like dressing up and selling burgers half-chewed.

Their army is powerful and massive in size,
But let's get this straight..."Stop shooting your own guys!"
You need us Brits to go and fight the war,
Oh sorry is Pearl Harbour still sore?

You have a great theme park don't get me wrong,
But Drive-by shooting is the best one I've been on.
The best thing you've made is Barrack Obama,
But red necks disagree and say he's related to Osama?


You may be Braun but we're certainly Brains,
Without us America you'd be pretty lame.
I'm becomming hurtful with the words I say,
So I'll leave you with this..."Have a nice day!"

[b][u]Haribo[/b][/u]

Haribo is a sweetie bag
I prefer them to a gentlemans mag
With the fizzy cola bottles and fried eggs
If i were odd they'd make me weak at the legs
Im sure the bags are getting less
Making my brain a mess

Police

Police
Police cars race up the busy street,
To help the Bobby's who are on the beat,
Their sirens scream and flash red and blue,
To let everyone know they're coming for you,
You can try and hide but you'll soon be found,
If you struggle you'll end up on the ground,
You can try and lie and say "wasn't me",
But they have you all on CCTV,
So just be good and don't go off the rail,
If you don't want to end up in jail



Headache

Has someone put a pin in the head of my voodoo doll?
Quick jog down to Boots for some Paracetamol.
Too much drink the night before,
Feels like my heads split in two and the blood begins to pour.
Get up for work feels like I've been in a fight,
That's the last time I'll drink on a School Night!

[b][u]Spinning Around like a 4 year old[/b][/u]

Some things in life just have to be done,
Regardless of whether they're painful or fun,
Like rolling around in a pool of mud,
Or running about the house in the scud,
Your parents will say "shut up and behave",
But you just want the attention you crave,
"You'll get dizzy and fall, now do as you're told,
Stop spinning around like a 4 year old!"




Zoo

What? Monkeys in cages, Elephants too?
Where are we? It must be a zoo!
Animals that squeak, animals that groan,
Bats flying around the Twilight Zone.
Chimps picking things out of other Chimps hair,
Who would enter the Lion cage? No-one would dare!

New Pair of Shoes

I can manage shopping for shoes
Looking at the designs , getting into the groove
Put some new shoes on and everything is alright
Unless they're too small and tight

Carlsberg

So there I am walking down the street,
When I spot £20 lying at my feet,
I feel dead happy 'cause it's my lucky day,
I pick it up without delay,
I think to myself I should hand it in,
Some poor soul's lost it and that's a sin,
But it's not in a wallet and can't be traced,
So it goes in my pocket with no ounce of haste,
I run down the street and that's no lie,
All the while, dreaming what I'll buy,
I got to the shops and I must confide,
So many choices, I couldn't decide,
I should've bought a new pair of shoes,
But instead I blew it all on booze!


Dentist

Edited at 01:36 Fri 27/05/11 (BST)

The dentist attacked my mouth with a drill
And for the pain, i was given a massive bill
So they get your teeth nice and clean
Chizzling off all the green

They used to give me a sticker or sweet
When i was young, twas a treat
I once nearly passed out on the chair
Had an injection, gave me a blurry stare


Jeremy Kyle

The missus and I went through a rough patch,
Every day was a bawling match,
Sunday nights were taking their toll,
Fighting over the remote control,
She hated that I was addicted funky,
And at weekends I'd go out and get drunky,
We knew fine well things had to change,
But what was suggested seemed rather strange,
We agreed to do it, though it wasn't our style,
We disgraced ourselves on Jeremy Kyle!




Fast Food

Fast food makes me fat,
Large milkshake and fries with that.
Burger King, KFC, McDonald's too,
Too much of this food and you'll need the loo.
Big Mac meals are my fave,
Happy Meals for kids who behave.
Maccy D's breakfast brings me cheer,
Especially after a night of too much beer!

[b][u]Out on the lash[/b][/u]

another weekend's came and went,
my cash on booze i stupidly spent,
a jibbering idiot who couldn't stand,
lookin for somewhere soft to land.

but apple juice and beer, they readily flow,
especially at £2 a go,
a fan of man u was meant to watch the game....
twas spent on the phone, to a beautiful dame

You never rang me

Keep going lads (STS)