My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my xbox

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

Blonde is talking to another blonde, Blonde 1 says look its a dead bird....

the other blonde looks in the sky and says i cant see it......

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet.

As the conductor passed he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.

The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time.

Again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilets, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's door and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

which for any who didnt get it, the number is......

0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing

Two men went duck-hunting with their dogs, but without success.

"I know what we're doing wrong," said the first man. "What's that then?" asked the second. "We're not throwing the dogs high enough!"

how do u stop some1 on benefits burguling u

lol

Darn These Flys!

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.

The Scott took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.

The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled
"SPIT IT OUT!" "SPIT IT OUT!"

Two guys were working in a park. One would dig a hole and the other would come behind him and fill the hole.

The two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but didn't understand what they were doing.

Finally he said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes right behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Did u hear about that cowboy "The Brown paper Kid"?........they hung him for Rustling.

i see on the news there debating whether they should ban the telephone in china,
apparently theres that many wings and that many wongs everybodys winging the wong number.

lol the old ones are the best

Paddy; "ive come to see about the job so i have"

Foreman; "ok mate take a seat i just need a few details, ok what is your full name please?"

Paddy; "Shaemus Fitzpatrick"

Foreman; "could you spell that for me please?"

Paddy; "aaah stick ya flamin job!"

not bad

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Lol

I am so gonna use that line if im late for work... probably wont happen though

NEWSFLASH:Gary glitters on his way to Chilli apparently the thought of
32 trapped Minors was just too hard to resist.

i wooded a girl on here and finally got a date so i said angela lets go for a drink angela said thats fine we arrived at the bar i said angela wat do u want she hummed and thot and finally says champange i guess , i said angela guess again , that was end of date , stick 2 ur fosters ang

haha pearler mate i posted it on facebook... they loved it espacially the kopites