Gary Condit's Fowl Behavior

Gary Condit quit politics and got a job at KFC. Why did they fire him?
He couldn't keep his hands off the legs and breasts

Lay off

A company boss has to decide who to lay someone off. He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen. He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."

Saving Her Butt

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

God's Identity

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God. He goes up to his mother and asks, "Well, son, he''''s a boy and a girl"
Not really know what to say the mother just says, "Well, son, he''''s black and white."

So he asks his mother, "Mom, is God black or white?"

Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, "Well ,son, he''''s black and white."

So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and says, "Ohhhh, I didn''''t know that God was Michael Jackson!"

Osama Gets Loaded

Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?
Because they can get bombed at home.

Blonde Driving

Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?
A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people

Q & A...Shower

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: P*ssing in the bath is disgusting.

Viagra

A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.... now the police are looking for the hardend criminals

Amish jobs

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's @ss?
A. A mechanic!

That's Not What I Meant

Jeremy and Kris are walking down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replied, "I think you'd have to pet him first."

Gross Grandma

What is grosser than gross?
When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.

Man and Pharmacist

A man asks his pharmacist for half of a Viagra pill. The doctor says that half a pill won't do any good, he needs two or three pills.
The man explains, ''No, you see the reason I only want half a pill is because I'm tired of peeing on my shoes.''

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Grosser than gross.. underwear

What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.

What's grosser than that?

When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

Red Ring

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover.''

Soapy Sales

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he was taking shower, when he realized that he didn't have any soap. He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower. On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue. When the nuns came to him, one said, ''Look! A new soap dispenser!'' Another said, ''How you get the soap?'' So one pulled on his d**k, and a bar of soap fell from his hand. ''Look! I got a bar of soap!'' said the nun. The second nun pulled on his d**k.

''Look! I got liquid soap!''

Don't Kick the Animals, Man

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"