CLASSIC JOKES
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15:36 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
A GUT-WRENCHING FART STORY
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
15:40 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
Frosty
Q. Why was Frosty smiling?
A. He saw the snowblower coming.
Q. Why was Frosty smiling?
A. He saw the snowblower coming.
15:41 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
Flies on Poo
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"
15:42 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when all of a sudden Moses shouts out, ''You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again.'' And he throws his hands in the air and magically the ocean parts. Jesus sees this and says, ''I'm going to try and walk on water again!'' So he walks up to the water and takes a step on top and sinks! Moses says, ''Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while.'' So Jesus tries again and once more, he sinks.
Jesus comes up out of the water and says, ''I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet!''
Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when all of a sudden Moses shouts out, ''You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again.'' And he throws his hands in the air and magically the ocean parts. Jesus sees this and says, ''I'm going to try and walk on water again!'' So he walks up to the water and takes a step on top and sinks! Moses says, ''Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while.'' So Jesus tries again and once more, he sinks.
Jesus comes up out of the water and says, ''I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet!''
15:45 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
What a Dump
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
15:47 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
Warm and Moist
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
15:48 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
Having to Take a Whisper
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to p*ss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say p*ss in church. Next time you have to p*ss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to p*ss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say p*ss in church. Next time you have to p*ss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
15:49 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
What's Your Poison?
Once there lived a mother who had two sons who were very young. The mother only gave milk to one son and neglected the other son.
The milkless son decided to apply poison on his mother's breast so that the other son would get killed.
When he woke up the next morning he found that his father had died.
Once there lived a mother who had two sons who were very young. The mother only gave milk to one son and neglected the other son.
The milkless son decided to apply poison on his mother's breast so that the other son would get killed.
When he woke up the next morning he found that his father had died.
15:52 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
15:53 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
I've Got Shingles
How many blondes does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
How many blondes does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
15:54 Sun 31 Jul 05 (BST) [Link]
Paraplegic
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Deleted User
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17:55 Tue 2 Aug 05 (BST) [Link]
wat do u call 2 african men in a sleepin bag floating down a river
a drifter
a drifter
16:38 Thu 4 Aug 05 (BST) [Link]
Healthy Virgin
Q: What's the definition of a healthy virgin?
A: "One who has never been bed-ridden!"
Q: What's the definition of a healthy virgin?
A: "One who has never been bed-ridden!"
16:38 Thu 4 Aug 05 (BST) [Link]
Taliban Snippet
How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
16:41 Thu 4 Aug 05 (BST) [Link]
Difference!
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
16:42 Thu 4 Aug 05 (BST) [Link]
Two Jobs
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.
16:43 Thu 4 Aug 05 (BST) [Link]
Two Sperm
Two sperm are walking down the street. How do you know which one is happy?
It's the one with egg on its face!
Two sperm are walking down the street. How do you know which one is happy?
It's the one with egg on its face!
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CLASSIC JOKES
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