Sex Before Communion

A concerned girl asked the priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving communion?
He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."

Black and White and Red All Over

What''s black, white, red all over, and doesn''t fit through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear through her head.

Elvis vs. Jesus

JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8)
JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.

JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
"JESUS' countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

Inoffensive Nicknames for Breasts

1) Chest Trays

2) NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

3) Pastor Baiters

4) Mounds of Shame

5) Heavenly Canteens

6) Pearly Weights

7) Hooteronomies

8) Pizza Pizza

9) Sweater Undulations

10) The Daughters of Lactiticus

11) Racks of Lambs of God

12) Communion Woofers

13) First and Second Mammalonians

14) Pamela''s Burdens

15) Beelzeboobs

49ers New Hires

Why did the 49ers hire two nuns and a prostitute?
They wanted two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Bush Has a Short One

Bush has a short one. Gorbachev has a long one. Madonna does not have one. And a priest does not use his. What is it?
A last name.

Nuns on the Run

Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, ''I've never come this way before!''
The second nun says, ''Oh, it must be the cobblestone!''

Priests and Christmas Trees

What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Both of their balls are just for decoration!

10 Reasons to Date a Hockey Player

1. They always wear protection
2. They have great hands
3. They are used to scoring
4. They have great stamina
5. They find the opening and get it in
6. They never miss the target
7. They know how to use their wood
8. They have long sticks
9.They know when to play rough
10. Because baseball players only know how to hit balls.

Canucky

Why do Canadians do it doggie-style?
So they don't miss the hockey game.

How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

Pigskin Pro

What do you get when you cross a football player with a hooker?
An illegal procedure.

The Truth About Baseball

Why did the professional baseball player cross the road?
Because his gigantic @ss commanded him to.

Foul-Mouthed Hockey

Q) What did the hockey goalie say to his teammate?
A) Let's get the "puck" out of here!

Marv Albert & Bryant Gumbel

Know why Bryant Gumbel left NBC?
He was tired of all the back-biting!

Lepechaun at Augusta

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.
"I'm so sorry!" the man said.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes."

"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.

"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun.

"Oh, terrific. Everytime I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone."

"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun.

"Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!"

"Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!"

"Hey, it's not bad for a priest!"

OJ's Airport Limo Service

Have you heard that OJ is starting a new Airport Limo service?
His motto is, "We get you there with time to kill!"