Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "
>I was artificially inseminated this morning."
>"I don't believe you." said Dolly
>"It's true, straight up no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"
No, because he's bloody heavy."

A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax for 1 pound.
She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "Is this deal correct?"
Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached"

OMFG! HA HA HA

PMFSL HA HA HA HA

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with the light on.

LMAO! I knew that lastone hehe gud isnt it?

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club.

The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.

The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.

Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.

The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw.

Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the
plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only
a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but
unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting
toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to
her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you
know anything about gas stoves?"

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain.

Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.

"Doctor!" She asks "What happened to the children?"

"Don't worry madam." He replied, "The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them."

"Oh no! My brother is an idiot" She cried. "What did he name them?"

"Well your daughter's name is Denise" The doctor informed her.

The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"

"Denephew" The doctor replied.

PMSL yay Stella thats a gud one hahahaha

HAHAHA good ones Stella

Thought i might give it a bash,,,

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any underwear..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

Edited at 17:08 Thu 15/06/06 (BST)

After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush allows the kids to ask a few questions. One little boy, Billy, gathers the courage to raise his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?”

Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. Half an hour later the kids come back inside.

“Where were we?” says George. “Oh, yes - does anyone want to ask me anything?”

A different boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And third, where the heck is Billy?”

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody who can run, jump and swim is already in the U.S.

HAHA goood ones DLHG

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes, when you are happy, no one sees your smile.

But fart just one time....

Edited at 17:18 Thu 15/06/06 (BST)