Three guys arrive at the gates of Heaven and are greeted by Jesus himself. He asks the 1st man "In the mortal world, were you faithfull to your wife?". The man replies "I was 100% faithfull, i never even looked at another lady!." Jesus smiles, and points to a top of the range Lamborghini car. He tells the man "There you go my son, your transport in Heaven awaits, enjoy!". He drives off...

Jesus say to the 2nd guy "In the mortal world, were you faithfull to your wife?." The man replies "Jesus, i loved her so much, but there was one occasion....i was drunk, it just happened!". Jesus looks shocked, and points to a clapped out mini. He says to the man "There you go my son, your transport in Heaven awaits, i know it's not a Lamborghini, but you have sinned". The man drives off...

Jesus says to the 3rd guy "In the mortal world, were you faithfull to your wife?". The man replies "Jesus, i was the worst husband a lady could have, i cheated all the time, i'm talking over 100 times!!!". Now jesus has tears streaming down his cheeks, and the shock is obvious. He points to a pushbike and tells the man "There, that's all you're getting. I am ashamed of you!!". The man rides off...

Later on that same day, the three guys pull up at some traffic lights. The guy in the mini and the guy on the bike hear the sound of sobbing, and peer across to see the man in the Lamborghini crying his eyes out, his head slumped over the steering wheel.

The man on the bike says "Hey, don't cry, look at the car you have, at least you can cruise in class!"

The guy in the mini says "Yes, look at me, all i got what this clapped out piece of rubbish, and i was 99% faithfull!!".

The guy in the Lamborghini lifts his head, tears streaming down his cheeks, and says "That's all well and good, but i just saw my wife shoot past me on a skateboard!!!"

Edited at 11:59 Mon 20/03/06 (GMT)

LMFAO What a cracker!!!!

Thanks cmurphy, your turn!!!!

that was a good en

Read my joke on page 1, also a 'good en'

lmfao!!

theres a drunk man who's stumblin home one night, and he enters a brothel...He goes to the counter and searches his pocket to find 15 quid.
'What the hell can i get wi this?' he asks
The woman counts the change he has carefully and says 'not much but il sort you out. Go to room 5'

The man stumbles into the dark room and searches for a light switch.No switch. He trips over and slowly on his hands and knees he eventually finds a bed post, then the bed, with a woman on it. Quick as he can, he bashes away for 7 minutes and just has he reaches climax, she spits in his face.

Enraged he races to the counter and complains to the woman.
'what the fck!! She just spat in my face!!!' he says.
'Im sorry did you say she spat in your face?'
'yeh she did' the man whimpers.
Slowly the woman pulls out a walkie-talkie, and says 'George, yeh its linda, we got a problem. The corpse in room 5 is full'.

Bit poo lol

Edited at 22:46 Mon 20/03/06 (GMT)

2 greea jokes there!!

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you f@rted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?”
Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

A bloke goes to the maternity unit to see his new born son.
The nurse comes up to him and says," Im sorry mr smith but ur son is disabled be prepared for a shock"
With a small tear in his eye his led into the ward,In the 1st bed he sees a baby with no arms and legs.
"Is that my son?" he asks the nurse.
"Sorry its not it is more serious than that"
He comes to the next bed and sees a babys head looking at him and says, "is this him?" "No" Replies the Nurse.
They go to the 3rd bed and theres this eyeball on the bed.
"This is your son Mr Smith, Im very sorry" Says the Nurse.
With tears running down his face with sadness and Joy he says, " Oh what a beautiful baby hes wonderful can he see me"?
"No he's blind" replied the nurse

i really dont get that, i must be dumb! Tidnab can u explain it to me lol

nope......think about it

its just a daft one

Edited at 16:23 Thu 6/04/06 (BST)

lmao ! how cant u get that! lol.

great joke tid

what on earth? is the guy blind? but that doesnt explain the eyeball???? i feel so blond right now (beannie's not blond) humn *scratches head* come on now give us a clue lol

lol

The point of the joke is that the baby has lost everything - its legs, body,arms and head. All thats left of the baby is an eye. The guy asks if the baby can see him , but the baby (the eye) is blind!!!

Thats the funny bit haha!

I think i get it now! so all the baby has left is one eye and he cant even see with it? is that the funny bit. welleven if it isnt then it still amuses me lol

ty mr quevara for explaining it
glad you got the joke beannie
Blonde moments beannie???
only us blondes can have them m8 lol

The baby was so severly disabled it was only born as an eye and thats it, its kinda bordering on the sickside of humour im afraid but the Fathers dissapointment is when he finds out his baby (the eye) is blind.
Everything else didnt seem to matter until that point.
That explain it for you?

Edited at 10:07 Fri 7/04/06 (BST)

yeah it does lol. I am so dumb cant believe it took me that long to get it though :)

a local charity finds out that a lawyer in the area who has a annuel income of £500.000, and has nvr give a penny to charity, so the owner of contribusions fones him up an says

"our research shows that u have nvr gived a penny to charity, wudnt u like to give somethin bk 2 the comunity in sum way"

the lawyer thort about this for a while and replide

"did u reserch show that my mother is dying from a long ilness and her medical bills r several times her annuel income"?

....the owner who was embarased mumbeld

"um..no" the lawyer interupts and says "or that my brother a disabaled veteren is blind and confined 2 a wheelchair"?

the charity owner tried 2 stamer out a apology but was interupted agen

"or that my sister's husband died in a traficc acsident levin her peniless with 3 children?" the oficer just said " i had no idea"....... next page

Edited at 22:14 Tue 11/04/06 (BST)

on a roll the lawyer cut him of again once again..

"so if i dont give any money, why the hell shud i give any 2 u

" hope u like

soz..mistyped i messed up the joke now....

"on a roll the lawyer cut him off once again..

so if i dont give any money to them, why the hell shud i giv any 2 u"