A tramp walks into a bar and asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman hands him one and the tramp quickly leaves. A few minutes later another tramp wonders in and asks for a cocktail stick, and again the barman hands on over. A little while on antoher tramp walks in and asks for a straw.
The barman says "Whydya want a straw when the other tramps asked for cocktail sticks", to which the tramp replied,
"Someones been sic outside.....,


.... and all the gd bits have gone".

anyone else got ny jokes?????????

ewww, thats disgusing!!

hahahahahahhaah....

did you hear about the blonde girl who was scared to live in an igloo...




she was afraid of the heating bill..........

bum de bum tish. (something like that)

A man walks into a bar and hears two voices shout
at him. the first voice says "Hi welcome"
the second voice says "hey you get lost". Confused
he asks the barman who says
"Oh that always happens, the peanuts are complimentary but the ciggarette machine is out of order"

...cough 1/10

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"What's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."




Edited at 14:00 Mon 27/02/06 (GMT)

hahaha very clever

penguin waddles in2 a bar and asks for a fish,
the barman says "listen we dont sell fish, neither do we serve penguins so do 1"
the pengiun go's and comes back in the day after and once again asks for a fish.
the barman says," ive already told you we dont sell fish or serve penguins, if you come in here again i'll nail your flippers to the floor and your beak to the roof!"
the penguin comes in the next day and says
"got a hammer"
barman says "no"
"have you got any fish" replies the penguin

a burger walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we don't serve food !

the best joke ever! lol


A man walks into a bar.

ouch.

Farm labourer hits a pig wiv a jeep. He rings his boss to say,
'its alive but stuck in my bumper'.
Boss says shoot the pig and get back to work.
Labourer asks,
'Done that what shall i do wiv his speed camera'.

Black man runs into the doctors and complains that he cant stop running. The doctor puts 2 lines of white powder on the table and tell the man to snort them. This he does and immediately stops still.
'Wow' he says, 'is that cocaine'
'No' the doctor said. 'its persil, guaranteed to stop colour's from running!!'

Farmer grows a fied of D I L D O 'S.
Wots his biggest problem?





Squaters!

Drinking Buddies

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

3 legged dog walks into the saloon and says who shot ma paw

The queen is on one of her regular charity visits, this time to a lunatic asylum, and the governor is taking her down the corridors. She see's some heart wrenching sites, but in one cell she sees a man hard at work making a boat from some wood, the craftsmanship is amazing.

The queen says "I would like to go inside please". The governor reluctantly agrees, and they enter, along with the queens bodyguards.

The man turns around and lunges at the queen, throwing his arms around her, tears rolling down his cheeks. The bodyguards move in, but the queen tells them to move away, so they do.

She asks the man "what is wrong my son?". He replies "i'm not mad, my family set me up so they could gain my inheritance, i am a loving person".

The queen really feels for this man, and senses he is telling the truth. She tells him "I'm going to get you out of this place, this is a disgrace, today you will be a free man!!". He replies "Thank you, thank you so much".

The queen, her bodyguards and the govenor turn around to leave the cell,when all of a sudden she feels an almighty wack on the back of her head and falls to the floor!!

The man is standing there, in his hand the piece of wood he had been using to make the boat.

He says to the queen "You won't forget, will you?"

Edited at 21:03 Sat 18/03/06 (GMT)

LMFAO!.........