i though of making a thread to show a number of poems i have created over the past 3 months and others form later dates,
feel free to leave a comment or how you feel about each one.

(if any cause offence, i do apologise)
THE LOSS:
something happened in my relationship that inspired me to write this today...
this how ever is fictional.


watching you lying there between the sheets
watching the final breath the last heart beat
watching how the blood started to fall
absorbed by the sheets trickling down the wall

watching my hands start to shake
watching how hard you try to wake
watching the blood come from your chest
eyes arest blood absorbed by your vest

watching the child inside slowly die
watching the door close as i say goodbye
watching the blood drip from my hands
why was this child another mans?


thank you.

wow, thats strong.
well, i aint got nothing to say to that...it blew me away.

Jeeeez, bloody hell, didn't need to read that !!

Sorry, i dont like it.

From a poetic angle ; Not subtle enough to convey the power you (hopefully) intended...

From a psychological viewpoint, however, i'm more than a little worried about someone who would choose this vision.

Just being brutally honest.

Edit - just noticed your username, and i am compelled to point out that one doesnt have to shock to rebel...

Edited at 21:56 Sun 9/07/06 (BST)

dont like it at all

thank you for your opinions, which i will take into account

let me clear one or two things up, in this poem i was going to the extreme in the over the top,
if you see through the violence in the poem you will see why i written this poem.. or it may just be me..

basically.. i was cheated on, she was pregnant.

(EDIT: to my thread this wasnt poem wasnt written today but 4 weeks ago, it was written up today.)

I don't really think the purpose of the poem was to enjoy reading it.

I agree with spinner's 1st point but feel the shock value of it makes you want to read it again. (probably just me with that one)

Possibly a bit more warning was needed as to how serious the poem is at the start tho, its a family site and if some children read this it may give them nightmares!

i dunno, the poem kind of disturbs me, maybe because i'm a woman, and child bearing is one of the biggest parts of a woman's life, and the fact that this poem seems to be about a person who stabs a pregnant woman in the stomache in order to kill her fetus, and potentially kill her. whether she cheated or not, this seems like an extreme outlook on the situation, and i feel is a tad bit inappropriate for this setting, a pool site aimed at all ages. i suppose its an example of good dark poetry, but would be better suited on a poetry site of some sort.

well i didnt mean to cause offence,

well, seeing as a family site a mod should come along and close this :(

EDIT: close definatly, sorry to upset many...

Edited at 22:24 Sun 9/07/06 (BST)

Your subsequent posts have revealed a maturity the intial one (and, for me, your "handle", did not)

I cannot deny this required several readings, each one leaving a diferent yet uncomfortable feeling.

I must say, do not feel guilty that you have caused offense, indeed it is the world that we live in now that has removed this from being a symbolic (as you no doubt intended it to be) verse, to being capable of being taken in a literal sense...

Aside from your obvious pain, *that* is the truely sad and shocking thing about this piece.

In short. I judged too quickly (as will almost everyone) but you made me think.

Well done. If only circumstances were different.....

Wow...a good piece of poetry, just (as spinner pointed out) under the wrong circumstances.

It leaves a chilling feeling after reading it over, but i guess thats maybe the point, the realisation of it.

I just hope it wouldn't be a real life situation you have pondered over.

But a good piece of poetry.

I Think He/she knows how ppl feel about this now, so swiftly moving on, You like Poems??? Go to fun and games thread and read some of Ste's aka Mr Guevara(previous poster) They are Fab! Just Fab! Oh and Squeezy squoze a few in there too!!
If You read them, ENJOY! I do

thanks justsumgirl, but my poems belong in the dark section, not in the fun and games..

thank you all for posting your opinion has has been taken in,
if again my poems crop up, ill make sure the reason behind them are clear..

in which i doubt my poems will be croping up.

Strong Poem yet is very good (for it's nature) , It had to be thought out a lot?

nah came to me in 2minutes as soon as pen hit paper, all of my poems are liek that, thats y most need alot of rework

i dont know much about poetry but i do know im not gona get on the wrong side of you anytime soon
but ti is clear ur pretty good at this whole poetry lark

Please dont let the initial negative reactions put you off, It is an excellent piece, so rare to see REAL poetry these days with all the

strange

word structures

that pass

as

poetry.

Now THATS offensive!!!!

Im happy to leave it because it can be interpreted in many different ways.

If anybody seriously does not want it left on the forum i will remove it.

It may seem profound but as many have said re re-reading it changes that.

Edited at 22:43 Mon 10/07/06 (BST)

yay for acceptance