2 fish were swimming along, when one of them swims into a wall..... Dam!

LMAO!!!!!

On Halloween I shouted through to the wife.

"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"

She replied, "Just give her some sweets and tell her to <Removed>
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

Edited by forum moderator ruby, at 10:36 Tue 01/11/11 (GMT)

Teacher: "What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?"

Student: "Baseballs."

Teacher: "Baseballs?"

Student: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!"

What is blue and smells like yellow paint?




-





Blue paint

Best joke ever

It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray.

He said: "But I do not know what to say."

She said: "Say what I said this morning."

So he said: "Dear God, why did I invite all these people to my house?"

what kind of bees make milk???





Boobies! :-)

An escaped prisoner breaks into a house, he ties up a man and wife.

While he ties up the wife he kisses her neck.... he then walks into the bathroom

the husband says "I saw how he kissed ur neck he'll have spent years fascinating about being with a woman...darling whatever this madman wants dont argue, no matter how vile or ill he makes u feel...be brave i love you"

The wife looks at her husband n says "he didnt kiss my neck, he whispered in my ear saying he was gay n thought u were cute and asked where the vaseline was...so darling be brave i love you "

What is the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?



One is an Australian Marsupial and the other is a Geordie who is stuck in a lift!

why did the polish man cross the road








coz he stole the chickens job !!!!

I split Spot remover on my dog

Now he's gone

Two lads got arrested, one for eating a battery and the other for eating a firework...

Knock Knock
Who's there
Bigish
Bigish who

No thanks not today

Wanna hear a joke about constipation and dementia?

Well tough doo doo i cant remember it

My girlfriend said she's going to walk out on me because of my Call of Duty obsession. Don't worry though, she won't get very far. I've put a claymore by the door!

I'm sure this joke is appropriate let me know if not

Bob asked his doctor if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years i haven't, i do my best to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor bursts out into uncontrollable laughter, wipes away his tears, takes a deep breath and says "I'm sorry, i really am, it won't happen again . Now how can i help you?" Bob replies "Its swollen"

A murderer, sitting in an electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests?" Asked the chaplain.
"Yes!" replied the murderer "Will you hold my hand."

Uncle Ben has died ...no more mr rice guy

I only had 4 pints last night and this morning I've got a terrible hangover.

That's the last time I'm drinking whisky.

whisky?...i thought you liked shandy